wake up i wanna do it froggy style
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
