lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
