it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
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I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
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I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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