I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
