i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
two words...techno handjob
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
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There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
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Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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