I must be too annoying 4 u.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
so let's talk penis.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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