her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.