You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.