another moral hangover. fuck.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
did i walk over a car last night?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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