I think my fart just growled at me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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