I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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