i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
