we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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