I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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