he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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