Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one