you have to choose: penises or morals?
My pussy is not your playground.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
