theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
