I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
