stop calling my apartment porn island.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
