I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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