I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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