hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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