I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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