im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
