If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
apparently the secret to your success is patron
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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