she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
