he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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