Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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