Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
