Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
