Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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