There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
