Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
