I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
not ubering you a puppy
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
