There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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