Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
