totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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