Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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