I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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