i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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