I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
