no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
