She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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