Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
