i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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