Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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