there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
