do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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