fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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