I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
