for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
