I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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