And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
