Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
