Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
