We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
